Currente calamo ad absurdum...

hells yeah...

2006-02-07T16:29:00.000-06:00

Christianity gets ridiculed and shat upon every day. Why should Islam be any different? "Religion of peace" my ass.

new addition to the family...

2006-02-07T14:15:00.000-06:00

We got a new doggy. His name is Oscar. We adopted him from Shelby Humane. A pat on the back for a good deed done.

Ain't he handsome?

back to life, back to reality...

2006-01-12T19:49:00.000-06:00

So, what has been going on out there in blogland?

Nothing much happening on this end. Since our last visit I've celebrated my first wedding anniversary, my 25th birthday, first holidays in our new house, and that's about it. My mother-in-law and brother-in-law have reconciled and he is planning on moving back in with her in the coming weeks. Shelby the Dog was successfully treated for heartworms ($450) and Sammy the Cat successfully ruptured an abscess on his ear and had to have it shaved and drained and cleaned ($200). I love my animals.

Today I was hoodwinked by the golden retriever rescue hoax. I was so excited! I was going to adopt one of those puppies.

JON FAVREAU IS ON "MY NAME IS EARL"!!! I rikey.

And in the pop culture world since we last met...

Brangelina is pregnant. How awesome would it be if the father turned out to be Johnny Lee Miller? Yes, I'm mean-spirited. But Brad Pitt is a bad man, and Angelina Jolie is a bad woman. They are bad people and don't deserve happiness. They are mean rotten cheaters.

The Simpson/Lachey debacle is finally over. Who actually thought that would last? I mean sure, we were all rooting for them early on, but after that abortion of a TV show that actually ran for two seasons, I think we were all ready for them to die.

Britney Spears Federline dropped her calf. And she still looks disgusting.

Bareback Mountain: how good is it, really? I know the "enlightened" are glorifying it as the movie that changes the world, but is it only because of the subject matter? I've heard it's really not that great of a movie, but God forbid I say that out loud lest I be branded a homophobe. I'm not really interested in seeing the movie, so I guess I'll have to take everyone else's word for it.

I'm bored with this tonight, but I think I'll try to keep tthis up.

2005-09-21T21:59:00.000-05:00

2005-09-06T12:18:00.000-05:00

Hey, nobody's perfect.

my hair...

2005-08-10T16:29:00.000-05:00

I know you ("you" being my imaginary throngs of readers out there) are dying to know what my hair has been doing since I received my dreadful haircut several weeks ago. Well, the good news is that it seems to be growing out fairly swiftly. However, it seems to be channelling Kate Moennig as of late. You know her, of course, as Shane McCutcheon on Showtime's The L Word. While she is androgynous hotness, her haircut in the second season isn't the best. Observe:

Said androgynous hotness...

She is definitely in my Top 5 list of women for whom I would go gay for a day.

And now, the aforementioned tragic haircut...

Not great. Not great at all. But at least it is long enough now to put it into tiny little pigtails. Now I can look all cutesy and stuff.

I just hope it continues to grow. I have learned my lesson. Never again will I attempt a bold and daring haircut.

strange fruit...

2005-08-05T14:01:00.000-05:00

Something strange is afoot. Weird things are going on. There's something happening here. What it is ain't exactly clear. People seem to be getting spooked.

Regret coupled with self-censure/censorship. People shouldn't let others dictate what actions they take.

I would love to know what is going on. I'm one of those evil people that delights in the misery of others.

IT'S NOT OKAY.

good heavens...

2005-08-04T14:15:00.000-05:00

I am no good with HTML or formatting of any sort.

a few things...

2005-07-26T20:07:00.000-05:00

Let's talk about a couple of things that piss me right off.

First on the docket: people who drive decrepit old automobiles hauling small trailers on Highway 280 at 5:30 p.m. Said decrepit automobiles are apt to break down, causing major traffic situations that are difficult from which to extricate oneself. Don't drive your old-ass pickup truck on 280 during rush hour. If you have an old car that likes to die when going up an EVER SO SLIGHT hill, I suggest you make the 280 trip in the middle of the night. When I will have no chance of crossing your path.

Second: CYCLISTS. I cannot stand the hordes of cyclists who ride around like they own the road. There are literally dozens of cyclists who ride around together, gumming up traffic and generally making my life a living HELL. But worse than the pack of cyclists riding around Montclair Road and Crestwood Boulevard in the middle of the freaking street is the one cyclist who will ride on Grants Mill Road at 6 p.m. when people are trying to get home from work. Worse still is coming across said cyclist whilst attempting to negotiate one of the many hellacious curves on that road. In an Expedition. With another Expedition coming around the exact same curve from the opposite direction. I swear, if it were legal, I'd hit every cyclist I saw just on principle. I HATE CYCLISTS. Find a park. Ride around in a subdivision. Don't FUBAR traffic during rush hour just because you felt like squeezing your fat ass into your stretchy shorts and sweating all over my windshield.

Now that that's out of the way...

I had some bangin' sex last night. Just thought you should know. It was awesome.

We closed on our house today. I'm officially a big girl now, I guess. Here are some pictures of our new home:

That's a Japanese maple out front.

You KNOW you love our back porch. It has two, count 'em, TWO ceiling fans. We're hanging a hammock as soon as we move in.

Our back yard. Wonderfully landscaped, with a fort and slide on the left, little greenery tent on the right, and a beautiful bench in the center. See that off past the fence? That's the 11th hole of the Grayson Valley golf course.

Here's a shot of the inside. Some of that paint has got to go, but I am loving the built-ins. And the expanse of hardwood floors.

Here's a crazy table my husband found at the thrift store and I painted, and a floor mat that I made at work.

That's it. Done for tonight. Lessons to be learned: don't drive old cars on 280, and don't ride a bike anywhere near me.

old folks...

2005-07-09T18:32:00.000-05:00

What makes the elderly decide what to wear for a trip to Wal-Mart? How do they choose?

I mean, what is the thought process for selecting an outfit when you're a geriatric woman? How do you arrive at "hmm, I think I'll wear my purple pantsuit, this gaudy brooch, and these fabulous goldtone leather shoes!" Let's not forget to make the hair extra big today, Grandma.

It's gonna be great to be old.

rambling...

2005-07-05T18:50:00.000-05:00

Live 8 was a stupid idea, the concept is flawed, and it simply will not work.

The answer is to STOP ALL FUNDING to Africa and let it stand on its own two damn feet.

How is it that South Africa and Botswana can thrive economically? Their governments aren't nearly as corrupt as the rest of the continent. It can be done. Take advantage of the natural resources. Have yourself a revolution or two and get the corrupt governments out.

When is enough enough? I can't bear to hear about famine in Africa when there are starving people in the United States.

Live Aid didn't work. It actually made things worse. What makes Geldof think that it would be any different this time around? Any aid that goes into Africa has to go through the government, who just takes whatever they want and doesn't give a shit about the people.

The dependence on foreign aid is far too great in Africa. They have to learn to do things for themselves. Like the college graduate who still asks mummy and daddy for money. At some point, you just gotta cut the apron strings, haven't you? Now's about the time to cut Africa off and see what sort of stuff she's made of.

2005-07-04T11:03:00.000-05:00

I hate watching a home design show centered around the dwelling of two doctors. The concept lends itself to an overdose of cliche doctor p

wow.

2005-06-28T12:08:00.000-05:00

Richard Scrushy must be made of Teflon.

Very surprising.

2005-06-19T17:53:00.000-05:00

We got our house!

2005-06-08T16:52:00.000-05:00

idiot...

2005-06-08T09:02:00.000-05:00

Howard Dean is such a shmegegi. How did he get to be chairman of the DNC? The man just looks like a meathead who doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. According to him, the majority of Republicans "have never made an honest living in their life." We can't just go around making blanket statements like that. My entire family votes Republican. Want the rundown?

Me: I was lucky enough to not have to work in high school or the first half of college. I worked at a drugstore and a grocery store for about fifty cents over minimum wage. It sucked. But I did it. My brother still works at a grocery store, been there for 2 years. After college, I signed on with a temporary staffing company, and they sent me to Southern Progress Corp. to work for Southern Living At Home. Eight months with no insurance or benefits at $10 an hour. Also sucked. I had a friend who was in the legal field, and she gave my resume to a lady at the Birmingham Bar. I went in for an interview and a couple of assessments. Two days later I had four different law firms calling me to come in for interviews. I went on my second interview one morning, and that afternoon I was offered a job. I'm still here, and I have a good salary and benefits. I work hard and always want to do my job well. I make an honest living.

My husband: has worked since he was thirteen. His parents divorced and his father is a real lowlife, leaving his mother with nothing but two children and a mountain of debt. He was lucky enough to get scholarships to college, and when he began going to Montevallo he got a job pushing carts at Sam's Club. He's worked his way through college and up the ladder for Wal-Mart, Inc., got his optician certification, and is now the top-producing vision center manager in his district with very good prospects for our future. He will probably be promoted to district manager in the next year or so, and from there to regional manager. Not bad for a guy who started out pushing carts.

Father: drove a dump truck right after high school. Went to police academy, where he was voted his class president and graduated first in his class (with a pregnant wife at home, I might add). He then worked his way up the chain of command at the Jefferson County Sheriff's Department, is currently a sergeant and about 10 years away from retirement. He could've risen higher in the ranks but he didn't want to be a desk jockey with a title, opting instead to stay in a position where he actually gets to go out and dirty up his hands helping people. SWAT team, bomb squad, environmental detail. Still found time to go to his kids' ball games, dance recitals, and even took a week off work to go to Camp Cosby with my fifth grade class. We've never wanted for anything. My brother and I were sent to college without having to pay for it. Don't tell me that MY father hasn't made an honest living.

Mother: receptionist and secretary early in my parents' marriage. Long hours, average pay, a lot of grief. Kept plugging away at it. She worked AND went to college at night, earning a bookkeeping/accounting degree, with two small children at home (our father sacrificed for this as well, working a very odd schedule so that my brother and I only had to go to a babysitter one day a week for half a day instead of all day every day like other children). Mom got a great-paying job at a historical cemetary downtown as the office manager. She made her own hours and kept the place running like clockwork. They averaged one interrment a month, did tours, and had a museum. Incidentally, Mr. Sloss of Sloss Furnace is buried there. She was fired from that job because her superiors made some accounting mistakes and tried to blame her, but she had all the proof that she did her job properly. That's politics, I suppose. After that, she decided that it would be in our best interest if she did the housewife routine while my brother and I were making our way through high school and college. It worked out great for everyone. If that's not an honest living, I don't know what is.

Dad's parents: Birmingham policeman and a RN/x-ray technician. Invested well, saved wisely, had a maid/nanny for their children, sent 5 kids to college, and are very comfortable in their golden years.

Mom's parents: dad sold burial plots and was an outstanding and very active member of the Gideons, mom worked at Long's Electronics. Never had much money, but their 4 kids had clothes to wear and food to eat. No debt slammed on my grandmother when my grandfather passed away a few years ago. They are the heart of this country. How dare Howard Dean talk about them like that?

I have over twenty aunts and uncles (including their spouses). All Republican, all gainfully employed. Two firefighters (one of which was also a professor), nurses, teachers, business managers, information managers, engineers, blue-collar workers, homemakers, and a teacher with a PhD. All have worked hard and overcome considerable adversity to be able to make a life for their family. How dare he. How dare he.

How can he call the Republican Party the "white Christian party"? Um, Secretary of State Condi Rice. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Hon. Janice Rogers Brown, a woman of color and President Bush's nominee for United States Circuit Court of Appeals for D.C.! Now here is a woman who has truly risen from nothing to great distinction. She was born in Luverne, Alabama to a family of sharecroppers. Through hard work and determination, she got her juris doctorate at UCLA (impressive). I don't know what their religious affiliations are, but they are most certainly not white people. How can he say such things?

That's enough for today. Howard Dean is an idiot.

YYEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!

Why?

2005-06-03T15:54:00.000-05:00

I'm all for religious tolerance. Let me do my thing, and you go ahead and do your thing, so long as it doesn't cause physical harm.

But why should I tolerate a religion that wants me dead?

The Qu'ran says (I forget what verse) "he who relinquishes his faith, kill him". Basically, anyone who diverts from their innate Islamic state (apparently, we're all Islamic at birth, meaning that we are in complete submission to God/Allah).

How is it that Islam is a religion of peace? "Islam" is a derivative of the word "salam" or whatnot, which means peace. A more fitting translation would be "submission".

The "prophet" Muhammad said that it was his mission to make the entire world "confess that there is no god but Allah, and Muhammad is His prophet". Whoever doesn't agree with this apparently deserves to die.

Where's the peace in that?

Islam has been behind incalculable terrorist acts, is responsible for the deaths of thousands upon thousands, and refers to all non-Muslims as pigs and infidels. God (Allah) forbid I ever call a Muslim or a Jew a pig or infidel. I would likely be strung up by my toes and flogged.

I don't know much about Islam, and I don't really care to know that much. All I know is that they kill men, women, children, and babies who don't yield to their religious "persuasions".

No, I will not tolerate violence in the name of Islam.

I'm not a racist or a bigot. I'm definitely not a Zionist. Quite the opposite, actually, but that's for another time.

Basically, Islamo-fascists need to just chill the hell out.

I care nothing about the Qu'ran. It is merely a book. The words inside a book are what is important. If you worship a book, you're an idolater.

I'm not feeling very eloquent today. Just piecing some things together in my mind, and hesitantly trying to get out what it is I feel I must say without purposefully stepping on too many toes.

All I'm saying is that Islam should show the rest of the world the same tolerance that the world shows Islam. Stop killing people. One day, you're really going to piss everyone off.

You won't like us when we're angry.

2005-06-01T21:43:00.000-05:00

before...

2005-06-01T21:42:00.001-05:00

...after

2005-06-01T21:42:00.000-05:00

before...

2005-05-04T11:58:00.000-05:00

Let's talk, shall we?

The topic of today's discussion: this so-called "obesity epidemic".

I am aware that this may be a sensitive issue, but I reckon I'll go ahead and take my usual bull-in-a-china-shop approach regarding it. As a former fat person, I have been on both sides of the fence and this has hopefully made me wiser (although likely not more compassionate) about the issue.

Long story short: I was a skinny kid. I was a chunky adolescent. I was an overweight teenager. Got skinny again during freshman and sophomore year of college, then worked my way up to being a bona fide fat person my junior and senior year. At the top of my rollercoaster ride, I hit about 230 lb. I was what you might refer to as a "big ol' girl". Finally had enough, watched what I ate, started walking to and from school or riding my bike, graduated and moved home away from the caf (with its carblicious pizza buffet and starches galore), kept exercising, and started to see results. I am now at a 145-150 pound range with a BMI of anywhere from 20-21. There you have it, my qualifications to comment on this issue.

Back to it. The "obesity epidemic". I disagree with this moniker because it implies that obesity is a disease, like cancer or epilepsy or diabetes or syphilis or genital herpes. It implies that a "victim of obesity" is completely exempt from personal responsibility regarding their condition. It implies that they have no control over it. Guess what? THEY DO.

Barring factors such as other diseases or thyroid conditions, the sole cause of obesity is taking in more calories than you expend in a day. If you overeat and sit in front of the television all evening, you're going to gain weight. Why one overeats is probably the issue that needs to be ferreted out, but it is a simple mechanism to gain or lose weight. If you fill a balloon with water and poke a hole in it, expending water, it gets smaller. If you turn on the faucet and refill the balloon, it will regain some size. If you turn the faucet on all the way and water goes into the balloon faster than it can escape from the pin hole, then it stands to reason that it will get bigger (or burst).

Simply put, I am responsible for my body's health. You are responsible for your body's health. If my pants are getting a little snug, I tack on an extra 15 minutes to my runs or cut out sodas for a few days. That's all there is to it. Expend more calories than you take in, however you can. Don't eat so much and move your ass more than you are.

"But Rachel, it's so hard! I'm already so fat, I've got so much weight to lose! I'll never get down to a healthy weight!"

Yes, you can. Have someone slap the Twinkie out of your hand and chase you around the block a few times. Whose fault is it that you got so fat to begin with? Yours. It was my fault when I got fat again. I didn't blame anyone else or try to pass my fatness off as a disease. "Don't hang out with Rachel, you'll catch the fat!" That's stupid. You can't "catch" fat unless it's thrown at you. I ate a lot, and I didn't get enough exercise. Ergo, I gained weight. When I changed my eating habits and moved around more, I lost weight. Easy!

It's not a disease. It's not an epidemic. It's laziness and gluttony. Nobody's force-feeding you. Nobody can make you lead a sedentary lifestyle. It's your fault if you're fat.

I'm so sick of everything being someone else's fault. Where in the hell has personal responsibility gone? Has it no place in society anymore?? That is a sad, sad thing.

What?

2005-04-19T15:44:00.000-05:00

So I was flipping through the channels on the telly last night with the ol' hubby, and we ran across a program called The Future of Black America. The second I saw that Rev. Al Sharpton was involved, I knew that I wouldn't be able to watch for long without wanting to break my television, but we bore it for as long as we could. Which wasn't very long.

Then today I found this article which summarized the views of some of the other guests on the show, more or less. I managed to watch a bit of Niger Innis's talk time and agreed with the things he managed to actually get out before Sharpton and the hosts of the show began berating him and butting in. They wouldn't even let him make his point. I couldn't stand it much more after that.

I give you Tamar Jacoby: Though remembered as an advocate of political reform — abolition, universal suffrage — [Frederick] Douglass also championed what might be called a developmental approach to black progress. "What are the colored people doing for themselves?" he asked in 1848. "We will rise or fall, succeed or fail, by our own merits." Today, 150 years later, this is still true. Closing the school performance gap, reducing disproportionate black-on-black crime rates, incubating the small businesses that offer the only hope of healing the ghetto: whites cannot do these things for blacks — and the sooner our politics comes to terms with this, the better. As is, the civil-rights establishment is still blaming whites — and counting on them for change — while the Democratic party shamelessly fans this resentful dependence.

My question is this: why does there have to be a Black America? I don't refer to the country in which I live as White America. Why can't we all live in the same country?

Why do people just complain and complain and complain and never actually do anything to improve their situation? "The Man is holding me down", "my people are oppressed", "we're treated like second-class citizens" - CRAP. Let's blame all of Black America's problems on President Bush, that sounds like a great idea! Oh, wait, can't do that anymore. Condi's his homegirl, you know. Not to mention Colin Powell and the Hispanic attorney general. Yep, he's a big ol' Republican redneck bigot, that's for sure. Everybody deals with adversity. I'm a woman. Should I use that as an excuse to not get an education, not get a job, sit on my butt and whine about how unfair the world is? No. I busted my ass and graduated from college, hit the pavement and found me a good job with great benefits. You do what you gotta do.

For a people so hell-bent on equality, black activists sure do try their damnedest to separate themselves from the evil White Americans. Please read Niger Innis's segment in the article linked above.

Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? I work with black men and women. I live next to a black family. I think absolutely nothing of it. The neighbors are not "the black family next door". They are our neighbors. Because they are PEOPLE. Black people, yes. But PEOPLE first and foremost. Being black is a physical trait, it does not define someone. I am not defined by the fact that I am white. Why should I classify other people in such a manner?

I'm just sick of people talking about how their life sucks because they are black. Don't just sit there and bitch about it. To quote Britney Spears-Federline, why don't you do something?

2005-04-13T20:40:00.000-05:00

Nothing to do...

2005-04-11T16:40:00.000-05:00

Oh, nothing to do anymore today. Nothing that I want to do, anyway.

I wish my damn husband would call me back so I can figure out what to make for dinner. Dummy.

I got new pants. They make me look super skinny. This is always a good thing. New shoes, too. They make me look taller. Which is no big deal, really, considering I'm 6 feet tall. But it helps with the overall skinny look.

I have nothing to say. Just typing to alleviate the boredom.

Tonight I am going to read and analyze a script. Well, about 30 pages of one. Should be interesting.

Here's hoping I don't get in trouble for running AIM Express whilst at work. It's not like I downloaded anything, right? Right.

I'm so bored. Nobody reads this anyway. So I guess I could say whatever I wanted about whomever I wanted. But then it wouldn't be any fun because nobody would know I said it. I shouldn't waste my clever witticisms on Blogger. Save those for LJ, I guess.

Almost time to go.

2005-04-10T18:00:00.000-05:00

Grandpa, no!!! What a kook.

2005-04-09T13:59:00.000-05:00

thank heaven for that...

2005-04-06T11:38:00.000-05:00

Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote.

Terry Schiavo passed away after a long ordeal. That was a tough issue with no really positive outcome, so I am just grateful that she is at peace now. This is odd, though. I saw in a magazine that Patricia Heaton (Everybody Loves Raymond) had to close down a message board on her website for stating her opinion that Terry's feeding tube should not be removed. Apparently, she had "overstepped her bounds". But check out this post I just found on another board from a person called "deepseer". Since when is it not okay for famous people to have their own opinions? There is no reason to personally attack Debra Barrone simply because you don't happen to agree with her views. I for one happen to be in accord with most of Patricia Heaton's views, being a conservative Republican myself. I didn't take a side on this Schiavo fiasco, but I can see where both Terry's parents and her husband are coming from. But that is beside the point. One shouldn't go onto a celebrity's fan site and try to start shit. Patricia Heaton can say that she wants to put babies on spikes in her front yard for all we should care. She's a person as well, and has the same rights and privileges as you non-famouses out there.

The Pope died. I'm not Catholic, but I am always saddened by the loss of a good man.

Mitch Hedberg died last week. This man was a comedic genius. I'm so glad that I got to see him that one last time in August.

The new Bond has been announced. Who is Daniel Craig? I must be out of the loop. I was pulling for Clive Owen, anyway. He had that Bond look in Croupier.

Maynard Keenan has found Jesus? Wow.

It's Britney Spears, bitch! And Mr. Spears, naturally. This walking talking train wreck is slated to host a reality show on the supremely classy UPN. I'm torn between utter disdain and masochistic intrigue.

And now, a gratuitous wedding photo...

Have a great day.

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

2005-03-16T16:26:00.000-06:00

I have had one of those days where I feel like I have just been running in circles. I've been busy all day, but I never seem to get ahead. I am enjoying my new attorney, but I wish they would hire another secretary and give my old attorney to him. My new attorney puts out enough work to keep me busy all day every day, and I never get around to doing the other one's work. Hate it, but a partner takes priority over an associate. It's just stupid shit work that he gives me anyway. He walked all the way from the other side of the office to my desk (which is no short jaunt) to tell me to send a book back before thirty days since he got it had gone by. All he had to do was write "Return to Sender" on it, and I told him that, and he said "well, I'm telling you to do that." Asshole. Did it get done? Not by me. God bless File Room April for keeping the peace around here. Stupid prick. He's driving me bananas in pajamas.

I've decided to go shopping tonight. After all, my husband's bonus isn't going to spend itself.

I've created a monster.

We're going to a Mexican restaurant for St. Patrick's Day. How droll.

I actually did pretty good at the ol' driving range this past Sunday. I only whiffed at three balls. The rest I hit. I'll master this ridiculous sport yet.

Our new receptionist makes me want to hate her, but I really like her a lot. She's replaced me as the tall thin girl with long brown hair. I'm taller, but she's thinner. And gorgeous. Our hair's about the same. And she's very nice, unlike myself.

If one were to need a hired assassin, where would one look? Is there a listing in the phone book? Hypothetically speaking, of course.
Almost time to go.

150 pounds is considered average for a girl of 6 feet tall, but I'd like to shave that down to about 135 or 140. Probably 135. The Internets tells me that is underweight for my height, but that is my goal. I've never been underweight before. I'd like to see how it feels.

Work sucks, I know.

2005-03-11T09:34:00.000-06:00

I hate working.

I don't mind my job. It's not that hard and I make good money, and I don't have to put up with stupid shit every day (just some days).

I just hate having to get out of bed at the same time every morning. I hate having to go to bed by a certain time every night just so I won't be tired all day at work. I just wanna hang out at home, play with the dog, keep the house nice and clean, and that's about it.

I don't think I would hate working so much if I could break into a field that actually allows me to apply my degree on a more significant level. Here, I just type and proofread briefs and pleadings, and schedule depositions and hearings and conferences. There's nothing in-depth about my work. That makes me restless.

I love my co-workers. They make the job bearable. The job? I could do without it.

Oh, well. When my husband gets promoted next year there's a good chance that we'll have to move, hopefully to a larger city with more opportunities to use my skills.

You know. Bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills.. Girls only want boyfriends with great skills.

SWEET!

2005-03-01T19:05:00.000-06:00

ORGAZMO IS FINALLY BEING RELEASED ON DVD!!! MARCH 29, 2005!!! CAN YOU SENSE MY EXCITEMENT!?!?!?!??!!

Pun completely intended, natch.

2005-02-24T16:38:00.000-06:00

The US government has a new website, http://www.ready.gov/. It's another attempt at scare mongering in the style of the old "duck and cover" advice after WWII.
The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything. Here are a few interpretations.

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.

If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.

If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.

If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water, and at least one armless hand.

Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the fuck away.

Hurricanes, animal corpses, and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.

Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together maniacally.

If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

If your building collapses, give yourself a blowjob while waiting to be rescued.

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile.

After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions; watch your head.

If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.

If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton, or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.

If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.

If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.

If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.

Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.

A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.

Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you'll be able to enjoy a nice Coke and apple before you die.

Funny stuff. What are your interpretations?

just awful...

2005-02-23T16:53:00.000-06:00

I'm simply awful.

Not all the time. But sometimes, I'm terrible.

Why would or should it matter to me? Why in the world should I even care? Ridiculous.

The thing is, there are some people in this world who I simply cannot stand to see happy. And that is why I'm awful.

Who am I to begrudge anyone their happiness? I myself am deliriously happy. I have not one single thing in this world to complain about, except for the current pastiness of my skin, sporadic facial blemishes, and bad hair days. I'll be the first to admit that I live a charmed life.

Do I deserve it? No. Do I enjoy it? Yes.

But still, sometimes I get wind of things that have prospectively happened (see, I don't even have concrete evidence!) to people who I did not like in college, and it irks me to absolutely no end. They weren't even major players in my college existence, just extras that served the purpose of irritating me and my supporting cast. Why should I even care?!

Deep down, I guess I really don't. Live and let live. I just feel bad for the other party involved. But hey, if s/he chooses to keep his/er company, then I deem their personal judgment to be suspect as well. Que sera sera, I guess.

But I could not stand this person. Any small sliver of happiness that gets tossed in their direction is undeserved and probably unappreciated.

But what am I saying? I don't know that. They could have done a complete 180 since college. I doubt it, but stranger things have happened.

Oh well, Godspeed to the man who chooses to bed that manipulative, conniving, two-faced bitch every night for the rest of his life. It would suck if he got hurt, but oh how I would love it if it were the other way around.
And again, I know this makes me terrible. No need to point that out. I'm petty about some things. Sue me.
We're the same, you and me.

2005-02-21T16:25:00.000-06:00

I got a big girl handbag this weekend. I reckon it's time to retire the ol' army map bag that I've been carrying around as a 'purse' since high school. It was so useful, though. It held all my girly stuff, wallet, plus a couple of books or my cameras or a notebook, sometimes all at once. This will take some getting used to. Zac has never known me to be without that big green bag. It will be a shock for him as well. Here's the new handbag. Kinda cute, yeah?

I have come to the conclusion that carrying around a large bag is symbolic of, well, baggage, if you will, in your life. It means that you've got too many things going on. Sometimes you just need the bare essentials. Cut the clutter.

Simplify, simplify, simplify.

The more you carry around with you, the more you have to lose if somebody steals your bag. Granted, my old green bag was free (I found it in my garage), but I kept tons of stuff in it that I would DIE if I lost. Still, I carried it all around with me, and I was always paranoid that if I left my bag somewhere, someone would go through it or take it. We had an office thief recently, so that paranoia was multiplied. Finally, I had enough. I broke down and spent my Parisian's gift card on a nice big birl handbag, and I keep only what I will need on a daily basis in it.

I will miss being able to toss a book or notepad or my cameras in a bag and be on my way, but I guess that comes with being a grown-up. So I bid you farewell, army map bag I found in my garage. You've been a good friend, and I'm sure I'll pull you out of the closet every now and again and take you along for fun trips. So long.

On an unrelated note, it seems as if I am still growing upward. While I am relieved that the growth is up and not outward, I can't help but think that I'm already tall enough. It's hard enough to find pants for a 6-foot tall woman that don't cost an arm and an overgrown leg. In the summertime it's okay, 'cause I can wear shorts and skirts. But pants in the winter is pure hell. Express keeps me in jeans, but what if, God forbid, they stop making tall pants? I'll be left high (pun intended) and dry.

What if I'm one of those genetic freaks whose body never knows that it is supposed to stop growing? I'm 24 years old. You'd think the limbs would have gotten tired of stretching. I know my skin gets tired of it. My face actually looks gaunt, and I never thought that would be a word used to describe me. My shoulders are bony as hell. All my joints are bony, now that I think about it. Not that I want to put on any weight, but I just wish I didn't have to disburse the 150 pounds over a near 6'1", 34" inseam frame.

I just got a call from Joel Ramsey. Apparently, he's moved back to Birmingham. This shall be fun, Joel is a hoot and a holler.

Takin' care of business...

2005-02-19T15:58:00.000-06:00

...and working overtime. Work out.

So here I am at the ol' office on a Saturday, pimping myself out for time and a half. If other people around here would do their own damn work, this might not be necessary. But it seems that some people can't be bothered to show up to work on time, if at all, because they're too busy going out and getting drunk until 5 a.m. every night. Oh well, more money for me.

Clothing optional restaurant: Good idea or bad idea? I don't think I'd be a big fan of it. What if you dropped hot food in your crotch? Think of the lawsuits there. Other diners might get sick if they are forced to dine with ugly people. Gross. Although I have heard that eating naked is a good weight loss trick. Hmm.

The proof is in the apple pie. The ONE true and absolute key to weight loss is to eat less and move around more. We can eat whatever we want. If we want to be thin, we just have to exercise to expend more calories than the Bic Mac and fries we just ate. Or we can do what Meg Griffin suggests and stick our finger down our throat and throw up 'til we're skinny. You don't need gimmicks. You don't need pills or shakes or smoothies. You just need a pair of running shoes. Or an eating disorder. Both work just fine.

Laters.

2005-02-17T16:39:00.000-06:00

When people ask me, "What gives you the right to suggest standards for others?", my answer is, "If I don't, someone else, perhaps less qualified, will."
-Anton Szandor LaVey

The man makes a very good point.

I am taking it upon myself to study up on the pearls of wisdom produced by Mr. LaVey. The man obviously had great leadership skills and was evidently very wise, in a different sort of way. I'm curious.

More quotations to follow...

I'm liking this better...

2005-02-16T17:02:00.000-06:00

So I'm enjoying using Blogger better than LiveJournal. It's much easier to post links and such. And I'm all about easy.

So, anyone who knows me knows that I hate Britney Spears Federline. She is my train wreck, though, as I devour any sort of publication about her current foibles. Like this nugget over at Stereogum. Motherfucker this, motherfucker that. So classy. She gives Southerners a bad name. I'm glad she turned Jew because I doubt the Southern Baptist Convention would still claim her, if they ever did in the first place. For more Britney Federline shenanigans and such, check out Gawker.

How about these nuns that went on a hormone-fueled sex and booze binge? I find this hilarious. They "wanted to experience sin". No, they wanted to go out and get drunk and laid. If you want to do those things, you shouldn't become a nun. You can sin without banging anonymous men and consuming vast quantities of alcohol. Look at me, I'm sinning right now. I wish I had my attorney's new Audi. That is what's called covetousness. See? Sinning is that easy. The lesson is: don't be a nun if you want to have fun.

So, I'm working a little overtime this week. Hooray, time and a half. Back to work.

RMB

Restoring the veil of anonymity (sort of)...

2005-02-12T13:01:00.000-06:00

I begin anew.

I found myself in a place where I felt I had to censor myself. No one should ever be made to feel that way.

And so I broke free of the matrix that is Live Journal. I'm sure I will revisit, and perhaps use it to post the mundane details of my everyday life like everyone else. You must give the public what they want, after all. Vos vestros servate, meos mihi linquite mores.

Here will be what I want. Me, me, me.

Vanitas vanitatum, et omnia vanitas.

I'm not in hiding. I'm not a reclusive writer attempting to cut myself off from the pseudoworld we call the Internets.

I like to post pictures. Anonymity will be harder to maintain for this fact, but as I say, I'm not in hiding.

And so, I make my inaugural post. Had to see how all this works.